ghosts

i thought i left you behind
i thought you were gone for good
i worked like hell to move on from you
i gave up my fucking life and friends and family just to be rid of you
i found you werent worth it
or so i thought
i rebuilt all you tore down
i stood on the shoulders of those you told me werent enough
and they proved you wrong
i left you and your literal fucking deathgrip
i found freedom and found there was more than you were using to consume me
i was happy and whole and free
but i guess i got greedy
the day i even just thought maybe there was more...
you came rushing back into my life
you wasted no time at all
and now youre using my dreams and my love against me
i am realizing that you never actually left me
not even the water and mountains could keep you away
i feel you ruining me and laughing at all i thought once true
you led me to believe it all
and believe it with everything in me
you knew your case would be stronger this way
you knew if i could give up here, with all i have and with all the beauty i now know
you would really have won this time
and there would be no intervention. i would not ask for it.


but i am not playing your stupid fucking game.
you can go to hell where you belong.
and be tortured by all the life and love you will no longer keep me from.

i will worship only the god of wine.

from Miracles of Fertility.

The earliest of these was the conversion of water into wine and the wedding feast in Cana. This miracle proclaims that the God of wine is present. The vine is one of the blessings sent by Yahweh: He is the reality behind the false god Bacchus. Every year, as part of the Natural order, God makes wine. He does so by creating a vegetable organism that can turn water, soil, and sunlight into a juice which will, under proper conditions, become wine. Thus, in a certain sense, He constantly turns water into wine, for wine, like all drinks, is but water modified. Once, and in one year only, God, now incarnate, short-circuits the process: makes wine in a moment: uses earthenware jars instead of vegetable fibers to hold the water. But uses them to do what He is always doing. The Miracle consists in the shortcut; but the event to which it leads is the usual one. If the thing happened, then we know that what has come into Nature is no anti-Natural spirit, no God who loves tragedy, and tears, and fasting for their own sake (however He may permit or demand them for special purposes) but the God of Israel who has through all these centuries given us wine to gladen the heart of man.

C.S. Lewis

----

i believe that god delights in wine, and our partaking of it. and in tuesday night supper clubs where we are able to take pleasure in simplicities like good food, friends, and...wine. and lots of it. because god knows life is hard enough as it is. amen.

the prophet, kahlil gibran.

somehow i have lived the last twenty-five years of my life without knowing of this book. but i have to say it might just be the most beautiful, amazing, and wisdom-filled book i have come across. i am pretty sure it might belong in the scriptures somewhere. just saying.

anyhow, here are some of the things i found underlined after finishing the book (which you can do in an evening, easily)...

**And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn.

**And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

**And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

**And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

**The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

**When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

**For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

**Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

**Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter poison by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

**But if in your thoughts you must measure time into season, let each season encircle all the other seasons.
And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing.

**For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?

**You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.

**When you pray you rise to meet in the air those who are praying at that very hour, and whom save in prayer you may not meet.

**on beauty: It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.

**And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

**That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty;
And it drinks me while I drink it.

this last one particularly interests me in thinking of faith as being fulfilled in relational activity, as opposed to my constant calling on god only to find it all lacking...

milk thistle...and a bottle of wine.

For many centuries extracts of milk thistle have been recognized as "liver tonics.". Research into the biological activity of silymarin and its possible medical uses has been conducted in many countries since the 1970s, but the quality of the research has been uneven. Milk thistle has been reported to have protective effects on the liver and to greatly improve its function. It is typically used to treat liver cirrhosis, chronic hepatitis (liver inflammation), and toxin-induced liver damage. -Wikipedia, of course...



so yesterday i headed over to Madison Market, one of my favorite markets in this area. i went to kill some time and i ended up finding myself in the Wellness department, with lots of herbs and vitamins. there was a ton to sort through, but a little bottle of Milk Thistle caught my eye. mostly because it is the name of a Conor Oberst song i really like.

Conor Oberst - Milk Thistle

but after reading the label i discovered it is actually used to protect and repair the liver. i thought to myself, "perfect! my liver is SHOT! this will be really helpful."

i am also on a bit of a health kick right now. im not putting much, if any, crap into my body (with the exception of certain liver-harming substances). im also making sure i am getting all the vitamins and nutrients i need, for the most part. basically things like that.

so i was excited about the milk thistle. i felt like i was on my way toward complete health and wellness.

i wandered through the market a little more and found myself in the beer/wine department, only to find that one of my FAVORITE WINES, "Cycles Gladiator," was on sale for super cheap!



and so i left the market with Milk Thistle, to heal my liver...and a bottle of wine.

that is actually pretty characteristic of a lot of things in my life right now...

happy cousins.

so sometimes i miss my family. but i love being here. so i complain about that tension an awful lot. and mentioned a few times that i really wanted one of my cousins, christopher, to come up here. but i cant afford to fly him out, he is a 19 year old with no money, and my family didnt seem too interested in sending him here. so basically ive been a big baby about that since december.

i really love my family, christopher in particular. and i also love my friends. i have THE BEST friends on the entire planet. and i have found them all in just a year. for reasons that are completely hidden and unknown to myself, my friends really love me. and really want to make me happy. and they are a success.

the best gift possibly ever recieved:







+ $300 for a planet ticket.

i am absolutely filled with gratitude that i have yet to figure out what to do with. i can tell from talking to christopher that he is immensely excited and his mom and dad say the same. he is registering for summer classes today and is going to get back to me so we can set some dates for his visit. i can hardly wait. expect a large summertime gathering at that time!!

author april.

someday i will write a book full of nothing but sandwich recipes.

i will also write a lengthy memoir that will probably explain a lot for those who have been wondering...

spinach.

i really love the way spinach shrinks when you cook it.

thats all.